I remember so clearly
the first time I saw you,
proudly, confidently
striding through the classroom.
yet sitting quietly and minding your own business as usual.
At that moment I
hated absolutely the idea of you.
To me, you were the epitome of a privileged life.
I imagined the
wonderful childhood you had
with happy confident
parents who praised you and gave you all that you needed.
You later came to
speak to me and introduced yourself.
I felt so beneath you
and insecure.
How could I possibly
live in a world with people as happy, confident, and secure?
I resented what you stood for.
But over time, I started noticing you looking at me,
your eye-catching mine, and lingering for too long.
At first, I thought I had imagined it and that it was all in my head.
But then I found
myself starting to, seek you out,
stay back at the
canteen if I thought you might be there.
Time moves on,years
pass and I still can't talk to you properly,nor can you to me.
We both mutter awkward phrases, blood rushing,
dilated eyes, nervous
energy electrifying the air.
We both knew.
But I didn't want to
date anyone from my class again, too messy.
Besides I hate
myself, how could anyone like me?
My enriched
loneliness, the dark brown skin beneath my eyes,
my disheveled
appearance, my baggage, my insecurities.
I could hardly look
anyone in the eye.
But you showed me you
liked me even so,
and in no uncertain
terms.
You grew brave and
flirted,
I flirted back.
You eventually asked
me for a coffee.
I said no, I didn't
know what having coffee meant.
But I pined for you
and grew to love you. I loved the idea of you.
You flirted, I
flirted. But I never asked you out or showed much interest and neither did you,
except to have your ego boosted it seemed.
I dated other girls.
All both of them. Each time I compared them to you.
Each intimate moment
I thought of you which wasn't just unfair but cruel
In each lonely,
unhappy instance in my life, my mind raced to you.
My thoughts of you
made me feel so alive for the first time in so so long.
My love for you
amplified, but you have to go now.
I have to let you go,
I have to let you let me go,
I must stop this, I
can't continue, the pain is too much to bear.
What do I love about
you?
I don't even know
you.
First, you hated me
for what you thought I stood for,
and then You loved me
for how you thought I could save You.
I used your body as
my vessel
to project every
thought and desire.
I throw at you all of
my frustrations
a cry for help from
the abyss at you.
If I'm completely
honest, at times,
I found you
irritating and not even very attractive.
So I write this to
let go of you.
Not you, because it
was never about you.
I'm choosing to let
go of what you represent to me.
You're not my girl, I
could never have saved you.
Today I will finally
detach my emotions, hopes, fears,
comforts, and desires
from the idea of you,
the character I
created of you in my mind and used.
I'm done.
I deserve love, and I
deserve good things,
I am worthy of a good
life and happiness.
I have so much love
to give,
and I will give it to
someone
who wants my open,
ready heart,
and I will have it
all.
But not with you.
Never with you.
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