Monsoon season has just started and just like every weekday around 2 am. I found myself flipping through the old journal that I use, to log my important events of that day or week. In my journal, I discovered entries that brought me down the memory lane of events from the previous year. All of my blunders, accomplishments, highs, and lows, both physical and emotional, were right in front of me, allowing me to see how far I had come, from my worst mistakes to the best of my best, from people who played me, to people who had kindly forgave me, from people I turned into butterflies from cocoon to people who made sure that I grew as a person, it was an enlighting read for that night.
Given the events of the past year, the best analogy would be... in some strange and yet fuckedup way, I am beginning to relate myself to Severus Snape from Harry Potter more and more.. every day.
Because, as they say, you don't fall in love easily, but when you do and the sudden realization hits you like a fucking meteor, you're done, your chai tastes better, and you put those stupid love songs on repeat, you somehow understand the lyrics better, which seemed way stupider before.
For me, I had never left myself vulnerable like that, especially after the fiasco of August 2017, I had promised myself I would not compromise my peace or myself again, but that sweet poison ivy, slowly and silently, it crept up on me and before I know it, it was too late, I cried myself to sleep that night when I realized what had I done by leaving myself vulnerable like that, now I will have to live with the consequences. who needs cocaine anyway when human emotions can fuck you up just the same.
Snape's Patronus, which symbolized his love for lily, might be the closest analogy. I see it as a strong need to fill a void inside; to be more specific, I feel his Patronus represents that type of suffering love. In the harry potter universe, every Patronus seems to have a special meaning for the person owning it, and it exists for different reasons. While Snape and I both share a deep, complex, and complicated love for someone, the Patronus is more of an attempt at intimacy.
"After all this time?" dumbledore was taken aback when he realized Snape's Patronus was the same as lily's. This classic scene is the main meat of the harry potter franchise, (which is very much underappreciated) and I am beginning to understand why was Severus Snape so bitter after so many years of unrequited love.
When I told my friend Pungle that I earned 'Protagonist' in my 16 personalities MBTI test, he said, "You are already the protagonist of your own life...," that hit me somewhat deeper than it should have... everyone wants to be the protagonist of their own story, but I never imagined I'd end up as the anti-hero of my own story that no one understands...
To a certain Lily Potter, I had become Severus Snape.
What have I become!? damn this unrequited teenage love! I don't really have time for that, but I'm screwed. I had to double-check first, just to make sure this is not some sort of crush, so I waited more than 4 months and see if it would go away, but it didn't, it's still there... so it's not a crush. it's official now. it's more than that, God, I'm completely screwed now! Why did I ever let my guard down? I promised myself in 2017 that I would never leave myself vulnerable like that again.
Unrequited love has its own pain, but the heart really breaks when the love isn't enough to sustain a relationship only because life has other plans. How does one get over a love which they didn't get to experience? How is it that you get past that one person who could've saved you? How do you fall in love again knowing that this one person still exists in the world? The love that felt like a once-in-a-lifetime love, how will all this time in life will pass without that?
I think sometimes the only way to get over love is to learn to love again. Love was never meant to be safe or measured, so love irrationally, and unconditionally is what my definition of love is.
I saw in one episode of the modern
family that only poets and serial killers are awake after 2 am, which I can
understand now on some new level because this feeling of being empty-headed
occurs only when your brain is too tired to still hold some barriers, it just
lets thoughts run rampant in your head, Staying up after 2 am is like drinking
and writing to me because it keeps me going, although I have never been any
kind of drinker so what do I know, how it works for them, sleeplessness keeps my train of thought going which
is more than enough for me...
on some especially lonely nights, I am
haunted by my own insecurities.. they rebel and come out on top and take
control of me... I go from...
" Why would anyone ever, even like me... my enriched loneliness, the dark brown skin beneath my eyes, my disheveled appearance, my baggage, my insecurities, I am bland, boring with no personality, stupid, too sensitive for my own good, and I know I do not take criticism well, I am also volatile, self-obsessed, and a little toxic, this I know, but do I deserve everything I already have? No, I don't." to
"I don't care anymore... just let it be... things will settle as they always have"... It's as if I was born too early or too late for this generation; I've tried to fit in for as long as I can remember, but I gave up on that in 2018, and now I live with no regrets... and it's worked out pretty well for me. But I could never look into myself and face the situation when going got tough rather than living in denial; I truly admire people who have the courage to sit with their emotions and pain. not to disassociate, not to distract but really sit still and look into themselves. sometimes it can feel like a huge burden but that's where the real healing happens.
To be honest, to some people, this might seem like a childish attempt to garner attention or sympathy to express here on this dark corner of the internet, about some teenage drama that I think I might be going through
and I really don't care about that,
this is what I do, I turn unexpressed emotions into blog posts and poetries, this is my coping mechanism and I will never be ashamed of it, this keeps me sane and makes me happy which is all that matters.
I
think there are people in your life, that help you become the person you end up
being, and you can be grateful to them, even if they were never meant to be in
your life forever, Glad I knew those people.
You've probably heard the famous John Lennon song "Imagine," right? In it, he says that he too, is a dreamer, (it was my favorite song for a while) do you know what a dreamer is? He's an idiot who yearns for the pointless bid for control, he wants to protect what he actually believes is his from a universe that takes whatever it wants, but it doesn't always work that way, in fact, he rarely gets to live out his fantasies, but instead, his glass finally drops. He's not as strong as other realists out there, and his giddy optimism has almost blinded him. He's far too sensitive to accept reality for what it is. But, in my opinion, being a hopeless romantic isn't something weak people do; it takes courage and a great deal of hope. And since hope is what keeps the world going, why should I stop?
I managed to pick up Captain America's habit of giddy optimism, so... I think there might be a reason for all this misery, maybe the cupid sometimes runs out of arrows and shoots only one person instead of two, maybe that's the reason for all this, maybe I'm right, maybe...
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